Children need role
models to mirror and validate them. Mirroring means that someone is
there for them and reflects who they really are at a given moment of
time. The result of good mirroring by a parent with good boundaries
will allow the child to develop healthy boundaries through the
following dynamics:
The
child's aggressive impulses can be neutralized because they do not
threaten the parent
The child's striving for
autonomy is not experienced as a threat to the parent
The child is allowed to
experience and express ordinary impulses such as jealousy, rage,
sexuality, and defiance, because the parents have not disowned their
own similar feelings.
The child does not have to
please the parent and can develop his needs at his own developmental
pace.
The child can depend on his
parents because they are separate from him.
The parent's independence and
good boundaries allow the child to separate self from object
representation. Parents value them as individuals and treat them as
‘beings’, not as chattel or property.
Because the child is allowed to
display ambivalent feelings, he can learn to regard himself and his
caregiver as ‘both good and bad’, rather than splitting off certain
parts as good and some as bad. The beginning of true object love is
possible because the parent loves the child as a separate object.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Some parents use different forms of physical or sexual abuse to
control the child. The forms are usually irrational and impulsive,
random and unpredictable. Children who suffer abuse become passive,
helpless, and hopeless. Any undue physical or sexual attack is
possible in the dysfunctional home.
When the physical
abuse comes in the sexual form, the damage goes beyond the guilt of
the incident and directly attacks the character of a person. This
sexual attack does damage to the core of the person’s being, and
requires serious intervention to reverse the effects. The common
forms of sexual abuse that occur throughout the socio-economic
classes are:
Physical Sexual Abuse -- this
involves touching in a sexual way.
Overt Sexual Abuse -- the
stimulation of a parent using a child for his own conscious or
unconscious sexual stimulation.
Covert Sexual Abuse -- this
involves inappropriate sexual talking or not receiving adequate
sexual information.
Boundary Violation -- this
involves children witnessing parents in sexual behavior or not
setting sexual boundaries.
Emotional Sexual Abuse --
emotional sexual abuse results from cross-generational bonding. It
is when one parent has a relationship with the child that is more
important than the relationship they have with their spouse.
There are survivors of
sexual abuse. Like myself, they have overcome the world through
Christ, and, being in Christ, learn to do all things through Him.
They are forgiven by God and have learned to forgive from God’s
grace. Being hurt; people hurt other people. Now, I want to warn
you. There are others who have been hurt and will hurt your
children if you don’t protect them. Talk to your children and
believe them. The terror is real for us.
Sexual abuse is
contact or interaction between a child, teen and an adult when the
child/teen is being used for the sexual pleasure of the
perpetrator. The child is innocent.
Definition of incest -
any kind of exploitive sexual contact or intimacy between relatives,
no matter how distant of relationship or blood tie. All children
are innocent.
Forms of sexual abuse -
all sexual abuse is severe and does great damage to the soul.
a) Very
severe abuse - forcible rape, 14%; non-forcible, 6%; oral or anal,
20%.
b) Severe
abuse - forced or non-forced genital contact, simulated contact,
41%.
c) Least
severe abuse - forcible and non-forcible kissing or fondling, 36%.
Understanding sexual abuse -
perfect strangers usually are not the perpetrators. The findings
are: 11% by strangers; 29% by family; 60% are known individuals. In
other words, 89% of the atrocities were committed by someone trusted
by the child.
Sexual abuse is found more
often in higher socio-economic homes rather than poor families.
Across the entire range there are cases of sexual abuse and an
estimated 80% of rapes go unreported.
The victims usually minimize
the abuse. This is false hope. The assumption fails due to later
fallout. Repression or suppression only delay the exposure of the
damage.
A single experience of sexual
abuse can be as personally devastating as multiple abuse
experiences. A staggering 74% of victims report significant effects
later on in life, fallout.
The facts and figures reveal a
monstrous problem in terms of damage suffered and numbers of
individuals involved. (See References for more information). This
is a crisis?
Untrue, the nature of the
trauma involved determines the degree or level of trauma suffered.
The severity of abuse comes from inappropriate touches to 28% of
children by age 14 and 78% of children by 18. These figures include
exhibitionism.
The perpetrators of incest are
fathers, mothers, step-parents, cousins, brothers, sisters, uncles,
grandparents, etc.; the problem exists is every type of
relationship. Abusers include nannies, primary care-givers,
teachers, baby-sitters, etc..
The guilty party is important
and the number in the guilty party. The physical force is a factor;
the more force, the more traumatic; even when there is no remaining
threat.
The age disparity ranges from
infant to adult and crisscrosses every age group. The profiles will
be given later. Sacrificial victims used by cults are offered from
infancy.
The least important fact is
the duration; the impact is sever whether it is once or many times.
The effects last until God gives the victim healing as only He can.
The church should become
involved in the issue of sexual abuse since most sexual abuse cases
come from rigid Christian homes. There is no voice for the victim.
The abuser’s mood is usually
distant, empty, and, are damaged before by sexual abuse. Hurt
people, hurt people. The home is usually dysfunctional where the
mother and father abdicate their parental roles. These people are
isolated. They rule the home through demeaning subordinates and
secretive injunctions; discipline is punishment using fear and
intimidation. The rule is rigid, the law is binding. Parents are
cold and distant. The homes may be controlled by the mother or
father. Or, when rule is abdicated by the parent(s) from some form
of addictive behavior they are dependent on the children.
The profile of the offender,
usually a victim himself/herself, is rigid, religious, legalistic,
high morals, quiet, well-mannered, withdrawn, believes in obedient
children, believes in subordination of women, keeps children close
to home, lonely and remote, isolated, probably abused as a child,
convincing in denials of sexual abuse. From “Freeing Your Mind”,
Fred and Florence Littauer, Here’s Life Publishers. (See Complete
Symptom List In Back Of Book)
The stages of sexual
abuse start with a period of closeness and secrecy when the
inappropriate relationship bonds with verbal ovations and gifts,
etc..
The second stage of
seduction begins with appropriate to inappropriate behavior such as
hugs and kisses, etc..
The third stage embarks
when the abuse actually occurs, and, the fourth stage engages the
use of threats and the maintenance of the relationship. The age
begins at the average age of 8 to 12 years and is sustained for an
average of two years. Documented abuse has occurred with infants
and children at every age level. No one is exempt from abusers.
The portrait of the
victim, usually a child, involves a “hungry child”. A child who is
emotionally needy, where there is a familial void. Example: a
broken, single-parent home.
The child learns to become
dependent on the abuser; they rely on the person to meet there
emotional needs for intimacy through secrets and for the presents,
etc..
The development of the
relationship comes from the victims craving for relationship. They
don’t want to give it up. The discomfort is a trade-off for the
relationship; and, the fear of being exposed.
When a child is abused the
confusion rules out the feelings. There is a stage of ambivalence
when the feelings of being used, exploited, and seen only as an
object will produce further confusion, hatred, and emptiness.
Denial allows the child to
live with the abuse. Radical denial buries the self-hatred causing
guilt and shameful feelings for being aroused.
The feelings caused by
sexual abuse are powerlessness from being manipulated and
controlled. There is tremendous self-doubt from learned
helplessness. Depression and despair come from turning their anger
inward, which leads to a feeling of ‘personal deadness’.
The consequences from
these feeling are a loss of a sense of self as well as a loss of a
sense of pain. The conscience may be seared and there may be a loss
of good judgment. And, of course, there is a poor image of self.
These are prompted from the betrayal by the perpetrator and the
parents for abandonment issues. The victim is mature enough may
lose hope for an intimate relationship. The feeling of being numb
leads to destroying dreams and/or denying longings. The person may
feel deep, deep shame and rage.
The development of
ambivalence - the inappropriate pleasure caused by the incestuous
arousal or sexual abuse may lead to self-hate and self-loathing.
The violation often leads to a construct in the mind that leads to
reenactment of the offense through the same sequence of events that
led up to the victims sexual abuse, iniquity.
The emotional,
physical, and spiritual disorders that are a result of sexual abuse
are inhibited sexual desire, promiscuity, confusion over sensual and
sexual input, numerous physical and emotional disorders including
compulsive activity, i.e. workaholism, bulimia, etc..
The relational styles
that develop as a result of sexual abuse are not seen. There is an
invisible battle going on in the mind of the people needing to be
rescued from the hidden pain. They need to anesthetize themselves
daily. This robs them and their families of their true identity.
These are the lost children of God and we need to rescue them by
being vulnerable to their needs.
Observable behaviors, one or
two of these symptoms are not indicative of sexual abuse. A
combination of several (four or more) might indicate a need for
parental concern.
1.
Child verbally declares he/she doesn’t
want to go to ‘grandpa’s house’ or shies away when around strangers.
2.
Usually has dreams of ‘helplessness’ -
trying to run away but being caught.
3.
Stays in room; isolates self’ is
sullen: “Just leave me alone.”
4.
Says, “Mom, I had an accident.” Or “I
can’t sleep.”
5.
Outgoing child who was a leader type
becomes withdrawn; change in school performance.
6.
“I’m not hungry.” Loss of appetite.
7.
Bursts into tears when significant
parent goes on routine errands and leaves child, i.e., “Please,
Mommy, don’t leave me!”
8.
Stays in close proximity - needs more
physical touching.
9.
Talks of being dirty, feels dirty.
10.
Increases negative
self-incriminations - “I’m no good.” “I can’t do anything right.”,
etc.
11.
Expresses extreme
victimization/violence in play.
12.
“Please, Mommy, stay with me. Don’t
turn out the light.”
13.
Expresses dislike: doesn’t want to go
see friends. “I just want to stay home with you.”
14.
Retreats to ‘safe’ family. “I don’t
like it here.”
15.
Wants to control excessive
environment; often becomes extremely anxious over know aspects of
life. “What if our house catches on fire?” Or, “Mommy, I’m afraid.”
16.
Practices excessive masturbation
(includes young children); uses sexually explicit words and gestures
inappropriate for age.
1.
Fear of specific persons or
situations/strangers
2.
Nightmares
3.
Withdrawal (social or emotional)
4.
Bed wetting/change in sleep patterns
5.
Personality change
6.
Loss of appetite
7.
Unprovoked crying spells
8.
Clinging to significant adult
9.
Excessive washing/baths
10.
Poor self-image/low self-esteem
11.
Changes in type of fantasy play.
12.
Fear of being alone.
13.
Refusal to go to school.
14.
Running away.
15.
Attempt to control environment/fear
of unknown
16.
Early sexual precociousness.
As A Child:
As A Teen: As An Adult:
As A Spouse:
Fear Early
rebellion Gaps in memory Poor choice of mates
Blame and guilt Feeling
worthless Repeated victimization Abusive to children
Hiding away Promiscuity
Flashbacks Lack of trust/faith in God
Helplessness Acute
depression Perfectionism Accepting of abuse
Bedwetting Talk of
suicide Overweight Controlling/abusive
Asthma
Prostitution Migraines
Suspicious/Paranoia
Inferiority Looking
down Sacrificial work Frigidity/promiscuous
Nightmares Running
away Nightmares Lack of emotion
Night terrors
Nightmares Allergies Extreme
anger/rage
·
If a child tells you that he or she has
been abused, believe it.
·
If a child tells you the abuse occurred
a long time ago, don’t assume that it isn’t still going on
·
If a child says something vague, such
as “My bottom hurt,” or is strangely silent or aggressive, ask
questions. Don’t get hysterical in front of the child. Just ask
and listen. Ask why and how and where and what do you mean and show
me. Remember that a child’s vocabulary is limited.
·
Don’t try to gloss over the subject.
Don’t say “It’s no big deal.” Get help for the child.
·
Don’t wash the child.
·
Save the child’s clothes so that they
can be examined for physical evidence.
·
Take the child to a hospital emergency
room.
·
Call the local police and the local
child-welfare department. If you live in an area so remote that you
have no local agencies, call the National Child Abuse Hot Line at
800-422-4453. Do it now!
·
If you remember being abused yourself
as a child, or think you might have been, call your minister, the
local rape-treatment center or mental-health clinic.
·
Take whatever time you need to find the
right therapy, counseling. Therapy is often included under health
plans.
Edited from Frank, Jan, “A Door
Of Hope”; Here’s Life Publishers, and, Class Speakers, Inc., 1814-E.
Commerecenter West, San Bernardino, CA 92408, with permission.
·
Self-Help Clearinghouse
St. Clare’s-Riverside Medical
Center, Denville, NJ 07834 (201-625-09565)
Publishes The Self-Help
Directory, a guide to mutual-aid self-help groups and how to form
them.
·
Incest Survivors Anonymous
P O Box 5613, Long Beach, CA
90805-0613 (213-428-5599)
Assists in forming 12-step
groups.
·
SARA (Sexual Assault Recovery
Anonymous) Society
P O Box 16, Surrey, British
Columbia V3T 4W4 Canada (604-584-2626)
Provides self-help information
for adults and teens who were sexually abused as a child.
·
National Council on Child Abuse and
Family Violence
1155 Connecticut Avenue NW, Suite
400, Washington, DC 20036 (202-429-6695)
Provides counseling referrals.
·
Believe The Children
P O Box 1358, Hermosa Beach, CA
90254 (213-379-3514)
Counsels parents of children who
have been victimized outside the family.
·
Incest Resources Inc.
46 Pleasant Street, Cambridge,
MA 02139 Requests no phone calls.
Provides educational materials
for incest survivors.
·
National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse
and Neglect
P O Box 1182, Washington, DC
20013 (703-385-7565)
Provides referrals, information,
and publications on all aspects of child abuse and neglect
·
National Committee for Prevention of
Child Abuse
332 South Michigan Avenue, Suite
1600, Chicago, IL 60604-4357 (312-663-3520)
Holds conferences and training
programs on child abuse and neglect.
·
LEAR’S, Department 1, 655 Madison
Avenue, New York, NY 10021
·
To receive a complimentary reprint(s)
of reports on sexual abuse.
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