PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND YOUR
EMOTIONS
Relationships are a place to
give rather than to receive. Love and attraction for one another need to be
fed through action, word, sight, touch, etc.. Each individual has a unique
set of wants and needs – we need to be there for our partner even when they
are not so lovely. We are here to enhance the quality of each others life
through enthusiastic encouragement expressed spontaneously creating special
moments in our history.
We all have
preferences. The ideal man or woman is a construct of what we believe to be
the qualities in a mate that will satisfy our needs and desires. When an
interviewer questioned myself about the ideal woman the answers silhouetted a
reflection of whom I perceive myself to be. The person we believe is right
for us may not fit the figure we imagine exactly, no one really will. The
union of two souls and better yet spirits is the most beautiful of God’s
designs for fulfillment in this life. While He can not be with us physically
in union God has provided for the human touch through the wondrous creation of
the marriage of body, soul, heart, and spirit in a holy relationship.
Therefore, if we are going to have a relationship with the design God intended
they will fulfill some or most of our desires and needs, then we will need to
become the person who can fulfill our mates needs and desires too.
Vibrant,
radiant health comes from the breath of life. The life is in the blood; our
breath of life flows through the oxygen and stimulates the immune system.
Water rich foods will keep the body and blood cleansed. Fruits for snacks,
vegetables for every meal and juices of each type for cleansing the system.
Needs And Desires
Our needs
create a desire for their fulfillment. I will be satisfied with God’s
providential care and be thankful for every good thing. The drive and desire
to fulfill my needs will I turn over to His Spirit that I may find a way to
respond that is gracious. I will be satisfied and content knowing this is
God’s will for my life. He is the Author and Finisher of my faith.
Our behavior
is one governed by His Spirit which He has given me – one of love, power, and
self-control. God has fulfilled the ‘promise’ in my life and renewed my heart
and given me a right spirit that I might not sin against Him. Therefore I can
respond to the trials and tribulations of life guided by His Spirit with logic
and reason. I do not have to react when my emotions gain control. A reaction
is an invitation to disaster provoked by a catalyst that takes me away from
the calm clear water of His Word. Emotions plunge me from time to time into
the wells of fear where I desire to flee or fight instead of using the sound
judgment of His guidance. The perceived threat will pass in time and God will
deliver me out of the hands of the fouler. Yet in the moment of my despair I
am in the whirlwind of confusion caused by my enemy. The father of lies does
not love the truth and the imminent threat when exposed loses its power to the
truth. We need to know our fears and He whom is our strength to overcome the
fear by our knowledge of both. Our fears will be laid to rest when we come to
a mature understanding of the truth and faith which works by love.
Behavioral
patterns are learned. To change them we need to analyze what our needs are
and the ways we meet them. Knowledge, wisdom, and understanding free us from
the fear that causes us to react irrationally or illogically to a real or
perceived threat. When we overcome our fear we will be able to respond in
love and achieve God’s greatest goal for our life – to love Him by loving
others even as we love ourselves. In order to find fulfillment we must
experience those activities that benefit others and ourselves while avoiding
destructive behaviors or habits that hurt us or harm others.
Human Contentment
Security
comes from faith and faith by the hearing of the truth. Too often faith is
measured by ability instead of faith in God to accomplish His Word in our
lives. Courage comes from knowing God is for and with us.
Growth with
change gives us a sense of being alive. We need to continually experience new
adventures and venues to be satisfied with a degree of security. If change
comes to quickly, we may become fearful. We need a balance to feel strong and
secure.
Acceptance
and significance are a given knowing we are wonderfully and fearfully made.
We are God’s children. We are given differing gifts and talents. We have
meaning and purpose in life. We are acceptable before God and can approach
the throne of grace with full assurance that He hears our prayers. What do we
have to fear; if God be for us who could stand against us?
Love and
affection come from God who is our Father, our Abba or Daddy. He has plans
for us and directs our lives. He gives us the desires of our heart and
fulfills them. We love because He first loved us. God has a design and plan
for our fulfillment and abundance in all that we do, all those we love and
love us. He has given us every good thing that above all we may prosper –
body, soul, and spirit.
Growth and
contribution come with the knowledge, wisdom and understanding we gain from
God’s word as we pursue His will for our life. He has given us a means to
experience the exhilaration and euphoria of meaningful contribution for He has
prepared good works for us to walk into. Serving the greater good reaps a
harvest of joy - through praise and thankfulness we find abundance through
obedience with hope.
The
reflection we give in this life is the outworking of the faith we place in
God. Our personal belief is manifest in every relationship we carry. Each
person lives out their personal theology and is seen for whom they reflect of
the inner man. Whatever we think, do or say has an affect on our physical,
psychological, spiritual, social, and economic well-being. They are all
inter-related.
Our joy is in
achieving and understanding God’s plan, His will for our life, and is
dependent upon taking personal responsibility for our own life; committing all
our ways and decisions unto the Lord; being true to our convictions, which is
who we really are, while loving others as we love ourselves; serving others;
reconciling relationships; and using all the gifts and talents for the
community, all while we continue to grow.
Truth and
commitment are the keys to a healthy relationship. Intimacy and attraction
come from exposing the inner child’s hopes, joys, and dreams as well as their
hurt, anger, and frustration. Open communication is a well spring of life to
the relationship. Lifelong passion comes from a continuous investment into a
love bank drawn from the wells of salvation revealed in God’s love for us.
When we accept each other as we
are and cherish the differences then we will validate each individual for
their unique qualities. We need to understand the differences in how each
other communes. We need to understand what we are hearing – we need to listen
to each other first. Only after the events are fully exposed should we begin
to seek possible resolutions and only if this is what will bring about the
desired goals. Remember, to establish your goals and be happy!
PASSION AND LOVE
Passion is
like energy; it motivates us to achieve greatness, to go beyond normal limits,
to excel, to spend ourselves for others. Authentic, genuine, self-sacrificing
love is based on a relationship with God, then with others. When we love and
accept ourselves we can share who we truly are with another human being. We
make healthy choices together freely and grow into the likeness and image of
Christ.
In healthy
relationships the complementary traits and natural strengths of men and women
provide a core to build their intimacy upon. The physical differences are for
the God designed purpose that men and women are to provide each other with
more than companionship. “It is God who said, “It is not good for man to be
alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.” Gen. 2:18. The Hebrew work for
‘helper’ actually means ‘completer’. The word is used throughout the Old
Testament to talk about God being our ‘helper’, the One who “completes what is
lacking’ or ‘does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The couple both
bring individual strengths to the relationship that the other does not
actually have.
COMPLEMENTARY TRAITS AND NATURAL
STRENGTHS OF MEN AND WOMEN
|
Language of the Heart
|
Language of the Head |
| Shares
thoughts, feelings, goals, desires |
Logical,
factual, goal and detail oriented |
| Sensitivity
to other’s feelings, thoughts and naturally skilled at communication |
Accomplishes
goals, task oriented |
| Relates on
multiple levels |
Compartmentalized |
| Radar -
intuitive |
Focused |
| Personalizes
environment |
Separates
easily from surroundings |
| The home
reflects who she is |
The home is
a place to rest |
| Home is an
extension of herself |
Men are
conquerors |
| Personal
involvement |
Needs to get
the job done |
| Natural
sensitivity to people, places and things |
Less
concerned about people |
| Derives
feelings from relationship |
Sense of
worth comes from what he does |
| Bonds give
personal sense of value and worth |
Can set
aside relationships more easily |
| Natural
concern for deep and loving relations |
Completes
projects regardless of cost |
| Lost
emotional attachments cause hurt |
Comes home
to relax after finishing task |
| |
|
Women are sensitive to what’s important beyond the immediate goal as far as the relations between people
RELATIONSHIPS THAT WORK
There are necessities for any
relationship to work. Knowledge and understanding and skills to meet the unmet needs, or, learning new
skills to meet the needs of our mate.
The proper skills nurture a growing relationship through
practicing what we learned. Our attitudes may need to change. The decision,
we make, the feelings follow.
Our primary relationship with
God is at the heart of our earthly relationship, Matt. 6:19-21 & 33. We need
to set our priority. Showing respect and honor is significant and reveals the
high esteem we hold for these people, 1 Pet. 3:17, 3:1,2 and Rom. 12:10.
Honor is determined by those who give value to others and is affirmed through
our actions. Love is a decision while honor is an attitude that someone is
valuable, 1 Peter 3:1-6.
Love is a decision to respond
out of Christ’s love for us and to reflect that love onto our mate regardless
of our feelings; regardless of the cost. Sacrifice and commitment may cause
us to lay down our personal rights. Love in action comes from a heart
overflowing with love for God, freeing us to seek another person’s best
interests. Genuine love is honor put into action regardless of the cost.
Unmet Expectations such as vain
imaginations and preconceived ideas are deadly poisons. The best example in
life is romantic love, which is just, infatuation or lust.
HEALTHY INTERDEPENDENT
RELATIONSHIPS
Our freedom ‘in Christ’ allows
us to choose to live in a divine balance created by God and restored through
the ministry of reconciliation. When God reconciled us to Himself ‘in
Christ’, He did so to enable us to receive forgiveness through His grace. He
also enables us to forgive others when we realize the power of the Cross. God
chose us to experience the Cross. He compels us to come to Him to receive
eternal life ‘in Christ’. He sets us free to live ‘in Christ’ sustained by
His grace alone. In Christ He set us free from the bondage of the desires of
the flesh.
Freedom is a gift,
when love is a choice. The lives of people may become harmonized, people are
sensitive to one another, and lives intertwine. The people are able to
separate and come together again without fearing any loss in the
relationship. The partners will appear firmly knit and yet as individual
personalities. There is an amazing unity, a singleness of purpose. The
changes are fluid and expected throughout their lives, allowing for the bumps
in the road. The desires are ones of free choice. Independence will not
damage the relationship when love is a choice.
When people are in
bondage, the relations are 'driven' or 'intense'. There is a compulsive
nature to it, almost tied up. Any movement or change in the relationship
causes reactions instead of a controlled response. They are people who become
very defensive, secretive, and guard every word and thought. Every action
weighs against the other's imagined response. The desires are out of intense
need for love, acceptance and approval. They view love as a right!
In a healthy
relationship the people preserve the identity of the individual. They are two
people whose lives God choreographs together. Both associates allow growth
and the relationship allows for change. The new aspects add dimension. The
individuals are both secure and complete already. The freedom allows each
person to reach full potential. The relationship centers on God who validates
identities. Each person identifies independently with God, Jesus, and the
Holy Spirit. Each person is secure within their identity and position ‘in
Christ’. Both receive the love of God and give this love out of the eternal
depths of God’s love for them. Life goes on even through separation through
the unity of the Holy Spirit.
On the other hand,
the idolater’s relationships are quite different. With the identity
threatened, the lives of idolaters enmesh as they dine upon denial and
illusion. These people usually draw their identity from the other person for
themselves. The closer they draw together, the further apart they become.
Each anticipates or mimics the wants and preferences of the other. These
people are so insecure in themselves; they pretend the relationship is
perfect. They bury emotions such as anger, tension, and frustration.
Compulsive acts and behaviors often mark and scar the relationships. Their
world becomes irrational, without love, power, or a sound mind.
INTERDEPENDENT FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS
What is a healthy
family? Here are some criteria from one clinic's observation of the healthy
family. The parents are sane and well balanced. In general there is no
depression, no mental illness, no extreme frustration with life, or some
element of it. If depression was part of their past, they've dealt with it
adequately. The parents are non-addicted. (In addition to the obvious,
alcohol or drug dependence, other problem areas include such obsessive
compulsions as workaholism, rageaholism, compulsive spending, eating
disorders.) Mature parents are self-sufficient, able to deal with life, and
roll with the punches. Parents have a positive, comfortable self-image and
can relate appropriately to God. In the best-case scenario, God is central to
the family structure. Sane parents commit to each other for life and maintain
a happy marriage.
The extremely
idolatrous family reverses all the conditions above. One or both parents may
lack mental balance, display signs of preoccupation, frustration, or an
unrealistic world view. If only one parent suffers thus, preoccupation often
binds them up with the ill mate. Parents may be alcohol or drug dependent.
These people are performance-based. They are possible workaholics, consumed
by rage or hungers, compulsive about things healthy people are casual about.
These parents are immature; especially parents who lean upon their children
for nurturance, ego-bolstering, advice, and help with a poorly developed or
skewed self-image. The parent is uncomfortable with their relationship with
God. One or both may be atheists (no relationship at all) or agnostics. The
parents may be intensely religious and strongly behavior directed. An example
would be: thinking that if you act exactly right and look exactly right and
think exactly right, then God will accept you. The opposite extremely rigid
theology says, the only right way to relate to God is this way. These people
are adamant that the children follow exactly in the parent's theological
footsteps. The parents often divorce, separate, fight viciously, and feel
bitter toward each other or toward marriage. Any parents who remain together
do so in a hostile relationship ‘for the sake of the kids’.
The individuals in healthy relationships base their lives on their
own personal character. They are sturdy, upright, together but apart.
Separate entities in a mutual role, therein lies the true strength of a
marriage. Idolaters draw life from the other person or from the relationship
and they derive a large measure of esteem from the other person's identity.
They believe their vitality comes from the other person. They often suppress
a lot of anger and spend a lot of energy expressing their anger or repressing
it. Their denial requires a lot of energy. They are very emotionally taxed
from the stress and anxiety. This often results in nervous breakdowns that
reflect embarrassment, dread, neglect, argument, financial difficulties, and
problems with the children.
In the course of the
relationship there are natural rhythms. The partners may at times pursue
different facets of life -- possibly both want a career, child-rearing,
school, hobbies and pursuits, ministries in and out of church. Then there are
other intimate and beautiful times, such as the birth of a child, that bring
those lives into warm proximity. The identities remain discrete; the
relationship remains, over all, very close.
The unhealthy
relationship fluctuates from wild affection to even wilder disaffection. Such
exceedingly dramatic breakups and reunions are common in idolatrous
relationships. Dependent relationships suffer such radical fluctuations that
their lives separate widely during the bad times. During their reunions the
identity gets confused and merged. Enmity results, perhaps even violence.
The happy times together, in fact, all the time’s together, become bad times
too.
To a healthy
relationship, genuine commitment gives latitude for comfortable trust. Love
is not blind, but is slow to suspect and quick to believe. A trusting
relationship is comfortable.
Idolaters suspect
the worst in their relationship. They exhibit a fair degree of jealousy. It
ranges from insecurity to true clinical paranoia. Idolatry causes a vulture
vigil; the partners forever alert to any sign of disaffection, virtually lying
in wait.
It should be noted
that a person with only one consuming relationship will fall if those supports
end. A person with several solid relationships will suffer, but not fall.
What is the source of your stability?
In terms of
emotional effort, the idolater obsessed with one overbearing relationship has
no energy available for other relationships. The pre-occupied non-addict
feels guilty, hurt, resentful, attempts to handle crises, all the while
absorbed in that problematic other person.
Healthy
interdependence allows people to be sensitive and caring. Each person's
happiness and contentment are independent of the other personal state. They
don't have to respond to the other person to satisfy their own needs. The key
to healthy interdependence is self-esteem: confidence within.
Tightly bound into
the lives and fortunes of another, idolaters have many rotten days when the
person they are dependent upon has a bad day. They react. Reaction is more
taxing, stressful, and frustrating because the person must attune themselves
to another's whims; read their mind; always be on guard; and deny their own
feelings. Idolaters preoccupy themselves with the other persons need or
suffer the consequences.
The healthy
individual is free to grow; and their relationships become better. Their
friendships deepen and bonds mature. They reflect upon job and marriage and
options for the future. They are free to change, free of compulsion.
In a dependent
relationship the repetition compulsions continue, often due to unresolved
issues in childhood. The matter is often caused by neglect or abuse; the
emerging adult tries to recreate, to repeat, the past. This compulsive need
effectively eliminates freedom of choice. Denial intensifies the problem and
any chance to work through it. They must unconsciously restage the past in a
fruitless attempt to deal with what they are consciously denying. The
compulsion becomes the guiding force.
The ability to
surrender control is a good sign of a healthy faith in God as well as a human
relationship. Healthy people will use control but they don't need it. They
delegate responsibility well. Freedom is a choice; individuals should allow
people to be themselves.
In a dysfunctional
home, control is the name of the game. If one parent is unstable and out of
control, the other will go overboard in the opposite direction. The children
will emerge as adults possessing a tremendous need to control. Control is one
of the factors that feeds the addiction/obsession/compulsion cycle. The
addict strives to control his or her inner moods chemically. The rage-aholic
must impose absolute control. While the anorexic attempts to gain some
control over their lives by controlling their eating.
Trust is like a good
reputation, so easy to destroy, so difficult to rebuild. Trust in GOD. The
best foundation lay in our resolve to only trust in GOD.
To an idolater a
healthy step backwards to create breathing room is tantamount to abandonment
in a consuming relationship. Any lapse of time in the togetherness equates
with rejection; death is even taken as a form of rejection. The idolater will
do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving. They are afraid of facing
their problems directly. They want to fix them by casting them in some
magical cement, or believe that God will not let them suffer when they refuse
to take personal responsibility.
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