Our core identity comes from our primary relationships. The parents or significant caregivers contribute to the development of our interpersonal values. If the family is dysfunctional, we grow up dysfunctional. However, the dysfunctional family views the social system as a 'normal' style because of their myopic views of what is 'normal' skews the relationship. The member considers the relationship normal, but for whom?
Parental Role Modeling
How to be a man or woman -- gender identity
How to relate intimately to another person
How to acknowledge and express emotions
How to fight fairly
How to have physical, emotional, and intellectual boundaries
How to communicate
How to cope with life's unending trials and tribulations
Family Rules
The family system has several categories of rules. The family is a social system with rules, roles, and needs that define the system. Functional roles are flexible. In dysfunctional families the roles are rigid.
The Family System Rules are about:
Celebrating and socializing Touching and sexuality
Sickness and proper health care Vacations and vocations
Household maintenance and spending money Emotional display
Interpersonal communication Parenting
In dysfunctional families the members consciously rule others; the children receive the brunt of the abuse. Power is at the base of the cover-up and is frequently hierarchical. The following rules apply to abusive families:
Control -- one of the most important rules is to control all of the interactions, feelings, and personal behavior at all times. Control is the best defense for preserving self in the minds of those who use it.
Perfectionism -- everything done must measure up to an externalized image that is impossible to achieve. No one ever measures up.
Blame -- everything is your fault or someone else's. No responsibility is taken. It is transferred and put on someone else. Blame is just another defense, and a cover-up. It is the back-up defense when control is lost.
Denial Of Individual Freedom -- personal freedom is negated. The individual loses the power to perceive, to think and interpret, to feel, to want and choose, and the power to imagine. The freedom to choose is taken away and the will is sacrificed. The perfectionist trait does not allow for the possibility of making mistakes because of its idealistic demands.
The Denial Rule -- the family secret and taboo rule is incorporated. No-one is allowed to express their feelings, needs, or wants. Denial rears its ugly head and the authentic self is layered over.
Don't Accept Responsibility -- avoid exposing the inner vulnerable self; do not acknowledge a mistake. Cover mistakes up, expose others, and blame them.
Distrust -- don't trust anyone and you will never be disappointed. When a persons' needs are never met, they will not be able to meet anyone else’s' needs. The cycle enables the distrust cycle to continue.
These are the rules that govern a dysfunctional family in their inter-personal relationships. Persons with this type of families often reproduce the same family style of dysfunction, and therefore cycle of iniquity into the next generation. The parenting rules poison the subsequent generations, creating massive problems, and result in every type of abuse possible. The family is as sick as their secrets and rules.
The parents' rules come from learned behavior and are the direct result of iniquity. All of the following methods are highly abusive and use any means of suppression to control the children's vital spontaneity: physical beatings, lying, duplicity, manipulation, scare tactics, withdrawal of love, isolation, and coercion to the point of torture. The rules that predetermine and enable abuse to continue are: Adults are the masters; the children are property, not individuals. Adults determine right and wrong; they are gods in their own mind. The children are responsible for their parent’s happiness or anger. The parents must be protected from outside exposure. The individual affirmation of a child threatens the autocratic adult. The child's will must be ‘broken’ as soon as possible. The ‘Broken Will’ must happen before the child can expose the abuse of the parents.
To complete the inventory write a "1" if statement was almost always true; write a "2' if statement was sometimes true; or, write a "3" if statement was almost never true.
____ 1. Family members supported each other when they had problems.
____ 2. Family members felt free to speak their minds.
____ 3. It was easy to talk about almost anything with my family.
____ 4. All family members participated in making family decisions.
____ 5. Our family did a lot of things together.
____ 6. In our family, children had a say in how they were disciplined.
____ 7. Our family loved to be in the same room together.
____ 8. Our family enjoyed discussing problems and solutions together.
____ 9. Each of us know that our friends were also the family's friends.
____ 10. Everyone shared responsibilities in our family.
____ 11. Family members shared interests with one another.
____ 12. Rules changed often in our family.
To complete the inventory, first add up the totals for the odd-numbered questions, then add up the totals for the even-numbered questions. Write the totals in the spaces below.
____ Odd-numbered questions ____ Even-numbered questions.
ADAPTABILITY SCALE
Chaotic Adaptable Rigid
6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 18
To complete the inventory write a "1" if statement was almost always true; write a "2' if statement was sometimes true; or, write a "3" if statement was almost never true.
_____ 1. It is balanced; it can adapt to change.
_____ 2. Problems are handled on a family basis, not just an individual basis.
_____ 3. There are solid cross-generational connections.
_____ 4. Clear boundaries are maintained between individuals.
_____ 5. People deal with each other directly.
_____ 6. Differences are accepted and encouraged.
_____ 7. The thoughts and feelings of others are accepted.
_____ 8. Individuals know what they can give to, and receive from, others.
_____ 9. Maintaining a positive emotional climate is a high priority.
_____ 10. Each family member values the family as "a good place to live."
_____ 11. Each learns from the others and encourages feedback.
_____ 12. Individuals are allowed to experience their own emptiness.
To complete the inventory, first add up the totals for the odd-numbered questions, then add up the totals for the even-numbered questions. Write the totals in the spaces below.
Odd-numbered questions ____ Even-numbered questions.
ATTACHMENT SCALE
Disengaged Attached Enmeshed
6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 18
The Adaptable Family: the healthy balance between Rigid and Chaotic families. Characterized by clear but flexible leadership, and healthy and adjustable discipline. Leadership is approachable.
The Rigid Family: very authoritarian; leadership is clearly defined and recognized. When rules are broken, punishment is swift and stern.
The Chaotic Family: no leadership; each individual is a leader unto himself. No one takes charge in a consistent way. The rules, such as they are, are largely unwritten and unspoken. They can change without warning at a whim of whoever happens to be "leader" at that moment.
The Attached Family: There is a sense of individuality without loss of connectedness. People in attached families enjoy being together and doing things together, but are able to relate to people and be active outside the family as well. When they are away from the family, they do not feel guilty or disloyal.
The Enmeshed Family: families so entangled in one another that it becomes difficult for anyone to tell where one person ends and the next one begins. Characterized by extreme sense of closeness, so much so that almost any expression of independence or separateness is seen as disloyalty to the family.
The Disengaged Family: marked by its lack of emotional bonding. Neither "closeness" nor "loyalty" are particularly prized. These people value independence, and relationships outside the family. They experience very little of "togetherness", and therefore know little of family plans and activities, but know more about friends and neighbors plans and activities.
· This inventory was taken from: Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves, Minirth-Meyer Clinic.
The following methods of communication sabotage are excerpts taken from the book, “Just Talk To Me” by Andre’ and Fay Bustanoby. These are presented in brief form to substantiate what permeates many relationships for years.
# 1. Violation of Intent
When a victim’s message is given in the intent of good-will; the result is a defensive reaction or the response becomes an attack.
# 2. Switch of Assumptions
When an agreement is made upon a problem and the saboteur switches to a different of issue or topic of discussion.
# 3. The Double Bind
Here the victim is put in the horrible position of being wrong if he does or if he doesn’t do something.
# 4. The Set Up
When a saboteur doesn’t want to do something. the avoid the responsibility of having to
say “no”. They “plan” an event to provoke frustration or anger in the victim, thereby circumventing the need to make a decision, then they “hammer” the victim by shifting the blame, often saying, “See what you did?” This method is used frequently by codependents to avoid their responsibility.
# 5. Reality Denial
Every person has their own perception of reality. When one person discounts or invalidates the partner’s viewpoint and substitutes it with their own, the “victim” often succumbs to unhealthy or unrealistic demands. This creates unjustified stress and confusion which often leads to feelings of guilt or shame.
# 6. Derailing
This method breaks the line of reasoning by switching to a different issue. Either the subject will be changed or a distraction will be created.
# 7. Blamesmanship
This is where the saboteur blames the victim for disrupting communication. This usually starts with the inappropriate action of the saboteur. When the victim reacts negatively, the saboteur reacts as though blamed unjustly. Denial or the refusal to take the blame usually provokes further attack. Then, the victim is unjustly accused of creating the disorder.
# 8. Bugging
This includes actions that mimic, make faces, taunt, provoke, push, or otherwise prod the partner to frustration and anger. The saboteur may have many hidden reasons to “cause” this but it easily destroys all attempts from the victim. Then, once again, the victim is blamed with the implication that “we just can’t talk about our problems!”
# 9. Overloading
There are two strains of this method. The first is “command overload” where demands for change
come too fast. Usually, this is used to camouflage the real desire NOT to change - confrontation and exposure may reveal this hidden cause. The sabotage must be confronted, not the lack of “fulfillment.”
The second strain is “volume overload” where the saboteur uses more ideas or words than the victim can adequately process. The victim may be tempted to agree and lapse into despair, unless the sabotage is recognized, confronted, and exposed.
#10. The Double Whammy
This is constant, intense attention, such as fixed gaze that emotionally overwhelms the victim. This could be a look of threat, despair, disgust, revolt, bitterness or any other gaze to communicate intimidation and is a lack of sincere effort.
# 11. Moving the Beltline
Whenever the crazymaker gets in a tight place or does not want to talk about the problem, either they will claim a “hit” below the belt (which is always moving). Or, they will hit below the belt by talking about emotionally sensitive subjects that destroy healthy intent. This guarantees “safe” communication that keeps the conversation superficial.
# 12. The Stickler
After learning or agreeing to some rules of communication, the process is bogged down by demanding strict compliance to all the intricacies of the “rules” rather than proceeding in healthy discussion. Usually a person either does not want to understand or be understood. Rather than admit their failure which would require change, they sabotage communication.
#13. Being Flip
This is the opposite of the Stickler where the saboteur either does not take the rules seriously or they “comply” with a condescending or insincere attitude. The impression given is they are just not serious. Communication is impossible when a saboteur is continually at work.
# 14. The Short Fuse
The saboteur lets you know verbally or non-verbally they are unhappy and likely to blow up at any time. The victim must proceed with caution, but the set-up is often combined with this method. They provoke a disturbance that “offends” or “hurts” and (you guessed it!) the victim is blamed again!
Saboteurs or Crazymakers are always ‘sneaky’. Their hostility, bitterness, and anger is effectively camouflaged so they will not take the blame for any communication disaster. The victim is unfairly blamed until the real culprit is exposed and confronted. They are so adept with the different methods that confrontation of one will require the use of a different one. Confrontation and commitment to change are the only healthy alternatives! Constant exposure and commitment to change is the only way to ensure its ineffectiveness! Often, when exposure occurs, the expert saboteur will attempt to keep the victim from talking about the crazymaking.
Bach and Bernhard say, “Crazymakers prefer to express their hostilities toward their significant other in passve-agressive ways rather than impact-aggressive ways. One way to fight a crazymaker is to flush them out (locate the behavior pattern) and shoot. Confront! Shout STOP IT! Loud and clear. Call it what it is, not simply FOUL!, but CRAZYMAKING!
The constructive fighting strategy here is based on the belief that crazymakers prefer their destructive manipulations do not show. They prefer camouflaged hostility to a leveling style of displaying anger. They wish to hurt, weaken, or embarrass you, but they do not like being caught in the act. So, your basic counter-move is always, “Call it!” Let your embarrassment, instead of hindering you, be your guide. Do not allow yourself, out of shame, to avoid confrontation at being trapped in a crazymaker. Do not display false pride, just admit, “OK you got me this time! Just be sure it doesn’t happen again!”
1. Tunnel Vision - This trap is deadly and limiting. You focus on one minute detail as the foundation for your perspective of an entire event or situation. You need to expand your vision.
2. Negative Focus - This killer is also very limiting. You pay attention to only the negative and critical comments from your spouse. When positive statements are made, you mis-perceive or ignore them. (In mis-perception, the victim can NEVER straighten out the foundation error. If he attempts, he’s accused of lying!) You can choose to recognize, reinforce and draw out the positives. You can choose to let the positives erase the negatives.
3. Personalization - In this trap, you arbitrarily decide your spouse is trying to hurt you, even with the ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE! Perhaps this is time to take 100% responsibility for your feelings. (Taking responsibility is something the Sabotager has never done.)
4. Over-generalization - This is a great way to create chaos in a marriage. You take one or two incidents and conclude that your spouse’s behavior at those times is the way they usually behave. Perhaps putting into practice Proverbs 25:12 and 28:13 will help.
5. Color Thinking - Perfectionists ate good at this kind of thinking, You see events in your marriage or behaviors of your spouse as positive or negative - no in-betweens. When the spouse’s behavior is not perfect (though it may be good) it is seen as complete failure. Expectations are rigid and the spouse cannot make one slip or it negates all the positives! Giving credit for positives and paying less attention to negatives will help you ACCEPT their HUMANITY as well as your own.
6. Magnification - This is looking at one’s partner or certain situation through a distorted lens. It is celled exaggeration and you tend to see problems as unresolvable and catastrophic. That would happen if you recognized the difficulties but then choose to focus on solutions? Put your decided into positive requests and believe your spouse will hear and respond. It works better!
7. Negative Expectation - This trap works against you in many ways., You simple assume that your spouse is going to respond or behave in a negative manner. You expect the worst and see their response through this filter. And naturally, you discover it! Permission colors you expectations so you end up not being disappointed. (This is called setting others up for failure.)
8. Labels - Most labels in a marriage are negative. Negative labeling of a partner’s behavior or qualities seems to brand them forever as this kind of person. The spouse is imprisoned by the labels. (Especially when the Sabotager will not take responsibility for their actions, they CANNOT let the Victim change because this will blow her cover and expose her. This was the primary reason she could Not TAKE IT ANYMORE! At the end because evident change was seen in the victim, but the sabotager must not admit it!) Let the spouse be different!
9. Feelings are not facts! - Too often we draw the conclusion that if we feel strongly about an issue between ourselves and spouse, it is a fact! Feelings are important and need to be expressed, but we CANNOT draw conclusions from them. We are responsible for our feelings regardless of our spouse’s behavior! (If I spend time with friends, she always concludes that I MUST have been talking about her. This, despite her feeling she does not assume anymore!)
10. Mind Readers - Especially in marriage, we often believe we KNOW what our partner believes, what they think and what they will do in a given situation. Then, we base our responses, actions and feelings on this private knowledge we own. (Talk about restrictive and the saboteur’s temperament causes them to think you can read their mind!) Basing our perceptions on what and how a person has been in the past condemns them to a life of sameness, with little possibility for change. Practice active listening with the expectation that you will discover something new.
11. Moralistic Thinking - This is a coercive way to control a spouse. It is the belief that you know what is right for yourself and them too! It is all right to make preference statements, but they should be the ones to decide if they will respond!
12. Negative Perspective - One of the most destructive traits in a marital relationship is a negative perspective. One little upset can unleash a memory of negative mental tape. Change will only occur when a person decides to focus on the positives and build on those!
This list of behavior traps is taken from Norman Wright’s book “Questions Women Ask in Private.” Healing begins in the thought life. Eliminate the negatives and focus on the positives. That is the foundation. For more then 23 years, the two verses listed were practiced by a couple. Philipians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever things are pure, whatever things are noble, lonely, whatever things are of good report, if there’s any virtue and if there’s anything praiseworthy, think on these things.” - 2 Corinthians 10:5 says in part, “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
Even though people are not familiar with the terms of behavior trap, communication sabotage, non-communication or triggers, deep in someone’s heart they know for a long time that something was very wrong with the communication in their relationship. This heartfelt need is what they used to communicate with counselors to be successful. The desire to have the opportunity to renew a relationship with the spouse comes from a proper foundation. This will only work if both are honest about their personal contribution to the problem, accepting responsibility, and providing accountability for future conduct. Again, mutual commitment to healthy, graceful choices is the only way for true communication and intimacy!
Research By Timothy L. Parker